As I stare at this blank document, I wonder what words will come to mind?
I’ve been asked to write about “the benefits of counselling support for men” and like most things I do, I want this to be a good article. Helpful, informative, encouraging and honest.
Before getting into the article, let’s start at the beginning:
Who am I?
That’s a big question, though in brief I am male, older today than I was yesterday and I have a caring streak that has led me to become a counsellor. I did my initial training around 25 years ago specialising in the areas of Grief, Loss and Trauma and for the past 15 years I have focused my energy on supporting individuals and couples exploring or going through fertility treatment / loss and the emotional impact connected with this.
I have met with 1000’s of people from around the world all with their unique stories and experiences.
What is counselling?
For me, counselling which may sometimes be called CBT, Therapy, Coaching, Analysis or Psychotherapy can take the form of Talking therapy, Art therapy, Drama Therapy, Somatic healing and so many others.
For me it’s the coming together of two or more people and providing a safe space by the therapist enabling whomever they are meeting with the opportunity to offload, unburden, join some dots, be listened to, heard, validated and possibly to receive some guidance and strategies to manage whatever scenarios / impact of events that have brought them together and may be causing distress or even harm.
It might be that a single session is enough or a series of sessions may be more helpful. Regardless of one or more meet-ups, for me it’s all about exchange, equality, respect, curiosity and support.
There are now various TV and Radio programs that demonstrate what goes on inside the counselling room so it’s no longer as mysterious as it once was.
It’s not magic, though quite often magical effects do occur. The power and impact of being heard and understood cannot be underestimated. A safe space to have a voice and share what’s going around (and around) in one’s head, to also possibly express where its being felt or held in the body and to feel the unburdening and weight offloading as you’re being listened to and heard. Maybe it is magic?
Themes that typically come up?
Every conversation is distinct, though one theme that comes through pretty often is where there is a heterosexual relationship, when I meet the female by herself and if I am scheduled to meet with her male partner separately, she will often say that her boyfriend/husband/partner doesn’t talk much and won’t use the counselling session very well. This is the biggest myth I have come across and, in my experience, men use the space amazingly well and have a lot to offload and get off their chests. I’ve noticed when there’s an opportunity to be heard and to share with someone impartial and neutral there’s very rarely any silence. This is the same when I meet with heterosexual couples going through fertility treatment, it is quite often the male who has quite a lot to say (which can be a big surprise for their partner).
Contrary to public opinion….my experience is that men do talk, men share, men want to be heard, men have things to say and opinions and feelings and it can often feel different sharing with a counsellor than a colleague, sibling, best friend or partner. Not better, just different.
Other themes that come through especially related to fertility treatment or infertility diagnosis.
• Loss of control
• Unable to fix things or get answers
• A sense of helplessness
• Guilt
• Shame
• Managing anger and sadness
• Impact on confidence
• Suicidal thoughts, often related to the inability to fix things and weight of guilt that’s often carried.
• Emasculation
• How to move forward / wanting to explore the options
In the counselling room and away from others, we can talk, share, listen, hear, acknowledge and every thought, feeling and emotion is welcome and safe.
The beauty of the counselling space for me is the neutrality and equality for all genders, race and culture. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what your background is – support is available for everyone.
As I reach the conclusion of this article, I reflect back to the start, when I was staring at a blank sheet and I have the following thoughts:
Something always materialises
There’s always uncertainty
If something starts, it will always finish – there’s always an ending
The ending will always lead on to the beginning of something new…
Sometimes we have to have faith (in ourselves and / or others)
I could have asked for help if I wanted.
It’s never as bad as we thought or as good as we hoped (this last thought could certainly be challenged!).
When something is [weighing] on your mind. Consider it, review it and seek advice / support / help if you don’t fully understand it or will benefit from getting more information or a different perspective.
Thank you for giving me five minutes of your attention and reach out any time.
Anthony is an Integrative psychotherapist with 25 years experience specialising in grief, loss and trauma including the impact that fertility issues / pregnancy loss has on our ‘self’ and relationships. He works with individuals and couples and is an accredited member of the British Infertility Counselling Association BICA). He works closely with fertility specialists and has a private practice supporting people trying to make sense or coming to terms with a fertility diagnosis and the emotional impact this can have.
For more information www.arybcounselling.co.uk
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